Less Than Three, Sephiroth
by Prisoner Len
Summary: Sephiroth's about to learn a very important lesson on texting—and everything it can do. Who knew sending pictures to someone could turn into a game? ASGCZ; oneshot.


**Warning you now, there is sexting in this.**

**Sexting and a very smug Sephiroth.**

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><p>General Sephiroth was by no means stupid—in fact, he was quite brilliant. He excelled at strategy and had an unimaginably great memory. He was also a rather quick learner and constantly beat his lovers whenever they conned him into playing video games. He enjoyed reading, he hated Hojo, and life was generally awesome.<p>

Unfortunately, he was completely baffled by his cell phone.

When the mechanical contraption was handed to him, he was, at first, excited. He realized he would be able to contact any of his lovers whenever he wanted. And about five minutes later, he realize it also meant anyone could and would contact him—including Lazard, the president, the president's spoiled brat, and Hojo. He had opted to keep the device for the sole purpose of being able to easily find out when Cloud was out of classes. It was easy enough to use; pressing 1 called Cloud, 2 called Zack, 3 was Genesis, and if he pressed the number 4, it dialed Angeal's number.

That cell phone was how he'd learned that Cloud loved to text.

Initially the entire concept confused him; he had no idea what an "lol" was or a ": )". But he did know that Cloud loved to use them. So he pretended he knew what the hell his youngest lover was saying to him. He hadn't a clue, but as long as the blonde was happy, everything was fine.

Or, so he thought.

Everything _was_ fine—until he got a message that said, quite literally, "Sephiroth less than three".

He sat on his living room couch, head tilted slightly, an eyebrow arched high, with a mouthful of spaghetti. A gory movie blared from his TV screen, a plate was nestled in his lap, and his sharp green eyes blinked at his cell phone screen through a pair of thick-framed glasses. And he was really, really fucking confused. He brushed a strand of silver hair over his bare shoulder and reread the message.

Then read it one more time.

And then frowned.

He was less than three _what_? Three… thousand years old? Three on some sort of scale? Three… inches?

He paused and looked down at his lap curiously, then shook his head. No, _definitely_ not that one.

Time was ticking, and he needed to reply with something. But what? He had no idea what had been texted to him in the first place. Swallowing his pasta, he hit the reply button, typed out a simple "lol", and pressed send. And before he even had the chance to close his phone, it vibrated in his hand and yet another text message came through. He read it.

And then stared.

And then dropped his phone.

Because he hadn't been sent a word. He had just gotten a view of Cloud's wet feet. Which meant Cloud had just sent him a picture… while he was in the shower.

Well, fuck.

Casting a quick glance around his empty living room, he snatched up the phone and stared at it again. Those were definitely Cloud's feet. And that was definitely the shower floor in Shinra's locker room. And—

He paused and gaped at the phone. He could send _pictures_? He pressed the arrow button to read the text under the picture. And blinked.

_Your turn_.

His turn? His turn for _what_? Cloud wanted… a picture of his naked feet? Sephiroth looked at his bare feet propped up on the coffee table, and cocked an eyebrow. Why would Cloud want a picture of feet he could see any old day? Shrugging, he hit the camera button, took a picture of his feet, and—after poking around and glaring at his phone—found the option to attach the picture to a text message. Triumphant, he flipped the phone shut, dropped it on the couch, and picked up his plate.

Seconds later, it was vibrating. Again. And it was Cloud. Again.

And this time, it was _not_ his feet.

Because at some point between saying Sephiroth was less than three _something_ and him trying to figure out what the fuck it meant, texting had turned into a game. One that was making the General shift awkwardly on his couch in his empty apartment, and completely ignore his movie. Smirking to himself, he turned the phone to his bare chest, snapped a picture, and sent it to Cloud. If the cadet wanted to play a game, then he'd be happy to play along.

…However, he wasn't quite expecting a full view of Cloud's nether regions.

And he promptly choked on his spaghetti. And spent the next few minutes hacking it back up. He sat up, dropped his plate on the table, and climbed to his feet. And then stood there, staring down at his phone.

_Beat that_.

Beat that? How the fuck was he supposed to beat—

His eyes widened significantly, and he starting unbuckling his belt, grinning like a madman.

For you see, Sephiroth was a little on the competitive side. Just a little. Those games he sometimes played with Zack and Cloud always turned into personal challenges to conquer his youngest lovers. Training with Angeal and Genesis became a game he had to win; he kept track of who killed who how many times, and always—_always_—was the winner. Even something simple—like deciding what they were all having for dinner—was a game to him. And he had to win. He _always_ had to win.

Which was why he was standing in his living room, doing a little dance in an attempt to make getting his pants off with one hand easier. They finally slid to the floor, his belt clinking as it landed, and Sephiroth was left in just his boxers. Still smiling to himself, he nudged them down, took a picture, sent it to Cloud, and gave a little cheer of victory.

And got so caught up in his little game of "beat Cloud's pictures" that he didn't hear the lock click. Or the door creak open.

"What the hell are you doing?"

He _did_ hear _that_, though.

Sephiroth turned to face the door, butt-naked and one eyebrow raised. Genesis and Angeal crowded the doorway, gaping at him. They had a short staring contest—during which the phone in Sephiroth's hand vibrated again and Angeal dropped the bag of groceries he was holding. And then Angeal snatched it back up, ushered Genesis into the living room, closed the door, and leaned against it.

"I am playing a game." Sephiroth replied, lifting the phone to look at the next text message. He frowned; there was a hand that was definitely not Cloud's—"_Dammit_, he has Zackary." He jerked his head up to stare at Genesis and Angeal. "Come here."

"Why—"

"_Who_ has Zack?" Angeal interrupted, shoving past the redhead.

"Cloud does. See?" And with that, Sephiroth stretched out the arm holding his phone and gave his two lovers a view of the picture. "Now take your clothes off and come here."

"What the _fuck_!" Genesis yelped, yanking his arm away from the General when he made an attempt at grabbing him. "Are you fucking _insane_? I'm not getting _naked_ so you can sext Cloud."

Sephiroth turned a pitiful look on Angeal. "Please?"

"Absolutely not." the man replied, setting the bag down on the coffee table. He crouched down, gathered up Sephiroth's clothes, and held them out to him. "Put your clothes back on."

"But I—" The phone vibrated once again and he checked it. His eyes narrowed. And then he frowned at Angeal. "Zackary called me a chocobo."

"Clothes on. Now." Angeal repeated, shoving the clothes into Sephiroth's arms. "We'll talk to them when they get home."

Much like a child, Sephiroth threw his clothes on the floor and stomped his foot, crossing his arms. "_No_. I am going to win."

"Seph, put your damn clothes on." Genesis snapped, picking them up again. "For fuck's sake, you're 23, not _5_."

"Please." Sephiroth whined, flopping down on the couch. And he pouted. A pout very similar to the one Cloud and Zack always used to get their way. He looked perfectly pitiful, sitting naked on his couch and pouting. "I'll never ask for anything again."

"Liar." Genesis shot back, rolling his eyes.

"Alright." The General looked at his fingernails, trading the pout for a smirk. "Angeal, Zack doesn't know that seeing him naked makes you nervous—and you know he _loves_ that."

"What—" Angeal spluttered, jaw dropping.

"And Genesis—" Sharp green eyes turned on the redhead. "Cloud doesn't know you're afraid of spiders. Actually, neither of them do." He paused, flipped open his phone, and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "_Yet_, that is."

Angeal and Genesis just stood there, gawking as Sephiroth hummed to himself and moved his hands over the keypad. And then Genesis swatted at the phone. "What the hell are you doing? Did you just blackmail us?" he shouted, tugging on the phone. He whirled around to face Angeal. "Is he fucking _blackmailing_ us?"

"Yes." Sephiroth quickly answered. "Cloud and I are playing a game. I will not _lose_."

With an overexagerrated sigh, Genesis flung himself down onto the couch next to the General. He tugged the man's phone from him and narrowed his eyes at the very naked Cloud and Zack. And then he shrugged his jacket off, unbuttoned his shirt, and took a picture of himself _licking_ Sephiroth's neck. Which, of course, made Sephiroth let out an extremely uncharacteristic giggle because he was ticklish. He swatted Genesis away as the redhead sent the picture.

"Let me see." Sephiroth hissed, snatching the phone back.

Angeal leaned closer, eyebrows high. And then he snorted. "He got you while you were laughing."

The General frowned down at the picture, then narrowed his eyes on Genesis. "That isn't sexy at all."

"Au contraire." Genesis replied, grinning cockily. "Cloud _loves_ when you smile."

"_Nobody_ loves when I—" The sound of his phone vibrating cut him off, and—still scowling—he flipped it open. And then turned back to Genesis with a smug look on his face. "I won. Cloud loves when I smile."

"I just fucking told you that." Genesis shot back with a frown.

"I don't recall." Sephiroth mused, already replying to Cloud. He offered the phone out to his two lovers and tapped the screen. "See? I win."

And indeed he did; attached was a picture of Cloud and Zack pouting. The words "Alright, you win! Damn…" were spelled out neatly beneath it. Sephiroth was a sore loser. And _that_ was why he _always_ won. That was also how he learned about sexting. And later that evening—when Zack and Cloud stumbled into the living room, exhausted from their day out training—they were all lectured on privacy and on how _anyone_ could have picked up Sephiroth's phone. And frankly, the General had stopped paying attention after the "Now I know…" that started the entire lecture. He was already planning on other ways to win the game Cloud had started—despite it being over.

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><p><strong>It took me about a week to put an ending on this. I have no excuse aside from being lazydistracted. I've also had an extreme lack of ideas I really like lately. Kind of a bummer, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.**

**Thanks for reading. Leave me a review?**


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